Disclaimer: Somewhere on this blog are multiple grammatical mistakes, spelling errors and obscure Star Wars references.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Home...

On old cobblestones, his feet tear,

They drag him roughly, but resistance he offers none,

Then why?

A Coward, he was called, but sacrifice is what he had done,

Then why?

The last meal, well finished, But hunger stayed,

His last bath, much taken, But filth remained,

His eyes, well dried, But pain lingered,

Judges offered no pity,

The noose offered no escape,

Yet this was not his place,

So he smiled, and made his way home.

- Farheij


xx

M

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Boom Shakalaka Boom Boom

What I've totally got figured out is that if most of the readers didn't already know who I was they'd automatically assume that I'm a woman, looking at my totally mind-blowing mood swings. It's the shiznit.

God has a sense of humor. A nasty one, at that. I have come to this utter, and final epiphany whence I have now realized that God placed a woman's pancreas and liver in my otherwise masculine body. After a little more than a month or so on hormonal medicine, I believe my vital organs have come to discover their full potential and turn me into a woman once a month. For a week or so. But there's no bleeding. That would be disgusting. Very disgusting.

I've seen that I now regret many things that I have said, done, typed and texted over the past month or so and I have absolutely no alibi save the fact that the, 'woman in me took over.' Yes I am now displaying my covert womanness although I would very much like to clarify that I AM still a male with male tendencies, hobbies, features and organ.


Ugh.



M

Guilt

Guilt. What is Guilt? When someone does a misdeed and then feels guilty about it, how many different ways are there to translate that emotion? I can think of a few.

Number 1: Real Guilt
Real guilt. A simple way to describe Real guilt, is when after committing the misdeed, you feel guilty about your actions, correct yourself, apologize, and then stay away from the vice and never return to it. Ideally a perfect "Sorry" scenario. Made the mistake. Felt bad. Apologized. Never did it again.

Number 2: Partial Guilt
Now see, this one is KINDA tricky. Very similar in fashion to Number 1, but subtle differences make it partial. Obviously you commit the misdeed first. But, at that moment you feel NO guilt attached to the action. Then, external circumstances persisting, things go back to normal, and then you admit to the misdeed and apologize to it. So you weren't guilty about it at the time of committing it, but felt the burden to inform later on. Also very acceptable and normally leads to good things

Number 3: Selfish Guilt
Selfish Guilt is the kicker. Selfish guilt is the guilt you feel NOT because of the actions you committed, but rather from the embarrassment of being associated with them. Sorta like, "I did that. Shit. I don't mind it and I'm not changing it, but shit, I did it either way. That sucks, what a bummer." Sorta like Ethnic Cleansing in Africa, only with apologies. They mean the apologies, but their actions totally cancel out their words. And as the words of age go, 'Actions speak (much much) louder than words.'

Hey you wanna judge people? Judge their damn actions.

And if you're feeling guilty, refer to above mentioned categories, and try and categorize yourself.

Now that's effing rich innit?!

xx

M

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Sailor

Oceanic breezes chill his bones, but he minds not

The chatter of 'is mates blows o'er his thoughts,

Sight of land or pier, called o'er the decks,

A hint of a smile, now his night becks,

His sack on his back, a glance to the bridge,

Forward march, towards the hills,

Past the pubs, and past the women,

Past the glut of man, with hunger insatiable,

See those children, playing marbles on cobblestones,

See those drunks, stiffed on cheap ale,

Reach the bridge, towards where home lies,

Reach closer to, where the soul beckons,

Smell the scent, of an intoxication long wished for,

For six months have passed, with no aroma,

But lo! Here lies the Sailor's heart,

For he is at home, at last.

- Farheij


I came across this poet, while doodling on the internet. I'm gonna be the first to admit that this poem isn't exactly Pulitzer material. In fact it's really plain and simple. It also seems that the author's thoughts aren't coherent but more concurrent. Like he has many ideas, but can't decide in what order to place them, so just puts them down as they pop into his mind. But I liked idea behind the poem. So I'm posting it. My blog. =P

xx

M

Probaby the best ever...

Lately I've been finding myself having more and more patience to put into words my train of thought. Very cliched I know, but what was the point of this blog then? Either way, I guess as you deal with different scenarios in your life, you tend to discover a hidden part of you that manifests itself. With each new experience in your life, you tend to discover another hidden talent or feature or aspect about your personality, your life or yourself that you never knew existed before.

So I guess lately I've been having epiphany after epiphany in my life and the irony is that many of them are hormonal based. No, I'm NOT slowly turning into a woman, but I have been on an adrenaline rush lately so I'm gonna cop out and blame most of my theatrical summations of life on that. So anyway, here I am sitting on my father's laptop at 1:03am waiting for something magical to happen. Hopefully it will. I've got faith. I've got it in bulk. coughDragonMartcough.

We had guests all day today and that was a drag but the highlight of my day today, was a little quotation that I read while leafing through one of my father's old Amateur Photography books. My Dad isn't a photographer, but he likes to sound like a man with a hobby. Meh. I'm babbling, moving right on. As I leafed through the giant book, I reached the section that spoke about, 'capturing beauty in it's true form.' The section spoke variously about different ways to capture a variety of items ranging from scenery to nature to even models etc etc. As I glanced through ONE quotation definitely caught my eye.

" Beauty is the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing need be altered, added or taken away "

The speaker was an Italian Painter by the name of Elio Carletti. I tried then to look him up on the internet but found squat. All I DID find was that this line was used in a Nicholas Cage movie. Bummer.

Continuing, I fell in love with that line almost immediately. The funny bit is this line was so appropriate to something that I was telling someone lately, and it couldn't have been summed up better by this line. I could go on and on about analogies and incidents and events and whatnot but I guess what needs to be said was said.

I really don't know what the point of this post is. It's complete and total ramble, but it soothed my crave to write something out. So there.

xx

M

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Revelations

The last two months have been quite the roller coaster ride for me. I've witnessed both extreme highs and extreme lows and they both occurred with very few gaps. Hence the roller coaster analogy. Either way. I've realized a few things about myself that I hadn't until now. And this post is entirely about ME so please, let's not have any misconceptions eh?

I've realized that I'm about as moody as the next person. I used to believe that I was always calm and composed at all times. Cool as a cucumber and all that jazz. However, I now believe that that's what I THOUGHT I was but in reality I'm no different from your Joe Nobody who has mood swings. I have them too. In fact lately I might be having them more than the average bloke. Sometimes I can lose faith in all humanity and myself, while only moments before/after I would think I'm invincible and humanity always prevails. I previewed myself from a God's Eye view. Previewed my life and the last two or so months. I saw how I changed with time and moods. I saw some mistakes that I made, and some that I should've stopped.

I've realized that I'm not invincible (Yes I realize I'm contradicting the previous paragraph, but hear me out ok?). Yes I am NOT invincible. I just have really high confidence and a high guard. I can take anything, if not a lot, but I'm not invincible. I always believed that I was, and that nothing would faze me. However that is not the case and like any other individual I am also fazeable. Which kinda sucks because now I know that I'm vulnerable and that does kill the whole self confidence thing I had going for 19 years.

I've realized that a lot of things are never under your control. And you (me) have to accept that. I have to realize that even though there are many things that you cant do without, they are not under your control.

I've realized that when you've done everything that you can and all your options have been exhausted the ONLY (ONLY!!!) thing you can do is wait. And the occasional prayer. Waiting sucks, let there be no doubt in this matter, BUT if it's the only thing you CAN do then, beggars cant be choosers.

I've realized that no matter how much I have learned that I am not as invincible as I believed I was, I will NEVER stop being hopeful and optimistic. That's one thing that I realized that I always will be. Optimistic and Hopeful.

I've realized one final thing. I will never give up and I will always be there.

xx

M